"Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3-5

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Glimpses of Rose




In recent days, we have gotten more tiny glimpses into Rose’s past, as well as a growing understanding of what her current world looks like. Through the wonders of Facebook (which I have avoided at almost all costs for many years), I have connected with so many amazing women who have walked this road of adoption before me, or are walking it right alongside me. We are complete strangers, and yet share a common ground that instantly unites us. It was through one of these fellow adoptive Mamas that we got the old pictures and videos of Rose that I talked about in the last post. And it was through that same friend that I have been connected with three other Mamas who are adopting from the same orphanage where Rose is. She knew that all four of us were currently in process to adopt from Tianjin, and started a group chat late one night. As it turns out, one of those Mamas was actually on the plane to Beijing at that very moment—she was three hours away from touching down in China, and with the amazingness of modern technology, she was able to chat with us via messenger from the air! It was incredible. She kindly offered to try to see Rose, and the other little ones in our group, and get pictures and videos of them for us while she was there getting her little girl. The adoptive community is truly like none other. The fact that she would offer to take the time to see our children for us, on the very day that she was receiving her own, blew me away. That was her Gotcha day, which was sure to be wrought with every emotion under the sun, and demanding of her full attention. And yet she was willing to carve out moments for each of our families, to give us the best gift anyone can give during the adoption wait—little tiny glimpses of our children, firsthand information about how they are doing and what their world is really like. It was a gesture that I will never forget, and I hope to pay it forward for other families when I am there getting Rose. We weren’t sure if the orphanage director would allow her to see our little ones, so we waited anxiously on pins and needles for any news from Tianjin.


In the wee hours of Sunday night/Monday morning, my phone dinged with the words, “Your Rose is so so so precious!!! I caught her at mealtime, but we got to see her.” Thank You, Father, for those words! Then, moments later, two pictures and a short little video popped up.






She looks so big in these new photos, she is growing so fast!  They said she looks to be wearing about a size 2T, which is much bigger than we had anticipated based on her last measurments from the orphanage.  And her sweet expression in the video, as she looks up at her nanny, oh my word...it melted me into a giant puddle.  It's just a brief glance, but it's a glance of recognition and responsiveness.  A tiny glimor of hope.

The next night, again in the wee hours of the morning (because Tianjin is 13hrs ahead of us), my phone dinged.  This time with another message, and more pictures of our Rose.  She said that she hadn't wanted to send this next group of pictures the previous night without an explanation first.  She said that Rose seemed to get agitated after they had been standing by her crib for a little bit.  She then started rolling around in her crib, which looked painful, so they decided to step away at that point.  That is behavior which is all too common in children who have spent years in an institution.  Though their minds and bodies need human interaction, physical touch, and mental stimulation...they are indredibly uncomfortable with it.  They resist the attention of others, and even the warm embrace of a caregiver.  They have recoiled into a protective shell of survival, wanting nothing to do with other people.  After all, people can't be trusted.  People haven't met their needs as they should.  People haven't cared for them as innocent children should be cared for and nurtured.  I have gone back and forth about whether or not to share the following pictures.  Some of them are not easy to see.  But it's not just the beautiful parts of Rose's story that will bring glory to God.  It's in the the most painful, the ugliest, most broken parts of her story where Grace will be found, and the Light of God's redemption will shine the brightest.  These pictures show the effect of institutionalization, and the lack of touch and loving interaction.  They show our very broken little Rose.










After hearing this new information about Rose, and seeing the above pictures, my "It's the middle of the night" brain fell right back into panic and fear.  All the doubts and fears and what if's came flooding back, again.  If a few kind, but unfamiliar, faces standing around her crib were too much stimulation, too uncomfortable for Rose to bear, then what on earth is she going to do when she comes into our loud and somewhat chaotic family?!?  There will be constant stimulation coming from  completely new people and places, with new kinds of sounds and activity going on all around her.  God, are you really sure you chose us to be her family?!?!  Did we hear You all wrong?  Have we made the biggest mistake of our lives?  Is this what is really best for Rose?  Can we really do this?  Is she too broken for us to help?  Have the effects of institutionalization shattered all hope for her future?  Will she ever be able to receive love?  Will she ever learn to walk, or speak even a few words?  Will she remain isolated, shunning human interaction?  Ya'll, I am trying to be as transparent as possible here.  I think that if we are telling God's story, we must do so with complete and total honesty.  This is hard stuff, with life-long impacts on everyone involved.  Not to mention eternal consequences in the heart of our Father.  

As the morning light came, and my mind started coming out of the dark fog of night, I started doing the only thing I know to do--diving into research mode, seeking out understanding and resources to equip me for whatever challenge I am facing.  I called the medical/developmental specialist that we plan to take Rose to soon after she gets home, to make double sure that our insurance covers their practice.  They do, which was a huge sigh of relief, but only a tiny balm to my aching, scared, doubting spirit.  That same morning we received an email telling us that our dossier had completed the review process in China, and that we should recieve our long-awaited LOA (letter of approval) within two weeks.  Had that news come a couple days before, it would have been the best news ever.  The news we have been waiting so long to hear.  But now, that news came amidst the merkiness of doubt and fear.  And we were at the point of needing to send in some of our final paperwork to our adoption agency, as well as another large payment.  Decisions had to be made.  

David and I talked over all of our concerns, all the things that had been brought to light, all that looked different now.  We talked to our three bigs, and explained a worst case scenario of what life might look like with Rose, and asked them how they felt about it.  Did it scare them?  Did they think they would be able to handle the amount of time and attention she would require from me?  Did it change the way they felt about her adoption?  I fully expected them to voice at least some degree of concern.  But they didn't.  They each said that they understand why she is the way she is, why she will need so much, why it may not be fun or cute or happy all the time.  They understand they will have to make sacrifices.  But they each believe that God has called us, our whole family, to adopt Rose.  And if God has called us to it, then why are we questioning it?  You guys, few things in life could be more humbling than hearing those words from your children.  That is what faith looks like.  No amount of doing or thinking or talking can replace true faith.  Faith is what happens when we place all of our thoughts and questions and doubts at the feet of Christ.  Faith is what happens when we trust in Him, not in our own understanding or abilities.  Faith is what happens when we say "Yes, no matter what."  Faith is what happens when...

"Life breaks and falls apart.
But we know that those are places
where grace is soon to be amazing.
It may be unfulfilled.
It may be unrestored.
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord,
just watch and see, 
it will not be unredeemed."

~From "Unredeemed" by Selah

Rose's life has been broken and fallen apart, it has been shattered.  Her purpose remains unfulfilled, her little spirit remains unrestored.  But we have laid these shattered pieces before the Lord, and we know that these are places where God's Grace is soon to be amazing, and Rose's life will not be unredeemed!  Though she resists love now, how much more beautiful will it be when she can melt into the safe embrace of her Mama and Daddy's arms.  How much sweeter will it be when she can cry, knowing that her voice will be heard, and her needs will be met.  How much more joyful will it be to see her smile, or hear her laugh.  How much more glorious will her redemption be, knowing how broken her life has been.  And how much louder is her Mama Bear now roaring to get her home!!!

I said earlier that we also received more glimpses into Rose's past.  We now have pictures of exactly where Rose's life started falling apart.  It's not just an idea in our heads, it's a real life place.  If the walls could talk, they would tell stories of agony and desperation.  Stories of parents making the hardest decision of their lives, to walk away from their children in hopes that somehow they would receive the medical care they so desperately need; or in hopes that they would someday be adopted by a family that could provide for them.  This is where Rose was left, the safest of all places in the hardest of situations.  This is the Tiajin Infant Security Island.  There is a sign at the front of the building telling parents that, "The only true safe island for a baby is at home."


This is the inside.  A tiny little room in which parents may spend thier last few moments with their children, saying goodbye in total privacy.
  

There is a crib for older infants/children to be placed in.


There is an incubator for newborns or more fragile babies to placed in.


There is a table with a notepad, and a sign asking parents to leave a note with their baby.



By the door, there is a doorbell that parents can ring if they want their child to be found immediately.  There is also a sign telling parents that the Island will be checked hourly to see if any children have been left.


There are signs posted around the room listing resources for various medical conditions and disabilities, last desperate attempts to get parents to reconsider abandoning their babies.  But unfortunately, all too many parents simply cannot afford to pay for those resources.  All medical services in China must be paid for up front, before any services are rendered.  This leaves so many parents feeling like there is no other option for their child than to abandon them, and leave them in the care of the government institutions.  This was Rose's reality.  This very room is where her mother or father brought her to say their last goodbyes.  We don't know if they left a note with her, but I doubt it.  In her file, her birthdate is listed as February 28, 2016.  She was found in the Island on March 28, 2016.  It is highly likely that they estimated her age to be about one month old, and thus assigned her a birthdate of exactly one month previously.  Had there been a note, there would probably have been an actual birthdate for her.  

This little pink room is the place where Rose's life first broke and fell apart.  But it is also the place where Grace was soon to be amazing.  The call was put out about a little girl named Jia Ning who needed a family, and Grace cast our eyes upon her sweet face on February 15, 2018--almost two years after she was laid down and left in this room.  Grace paved the way for us to bring her home.  Grace will fulfill her purpose.  Grace will restore her spirit.  Grace will redeem all that was shattered in this room on March 28, 2016, because Rose was not simply laid in a crib to be found by orphanage staff...she was laid before the Lord.

Thank You, Father, for Your amazing Grace.  Thank You for giving us hope when all seems to be lost.  Thank You for reminding us of Your merciful power to redeem the most broken of Your children, to make Your face shine upon them, and give them Life eternal.  Thank You for making beauty out of ashes.  Thank you for Rose, and the story You are writing in her life.  Thank You for choosing us to be her family, and trusting us with this most beautiful of Your treasures.  We are not worthy, and it is only in You that we will be able to walk this out.

With much love, and heart restored with hope,
Ashley

      

  

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